Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Calm before the storm


Life is a funny thing. Just 4 months back I was so excited for so many small things. I was looking forward to my last semester at Wooster, hanging out w/ my friends and getting WASTED all the time, baking cookies at Christmas, seeing Brian a lot before I move to Chicago. I mean, thats what you're supposed to do as a senior right? LOOK TO THE FUTURE.

Well. I dont even know anymore. My mother is deathly ill and I feel I'm the only one left on the planet. I would give anything to graduate right now. To be done DONE for good and not have to go back to Wooster Oh ever again. I have to go back to my ugly depressing room in 4 days and I am hardly prepared. The only thing I can think about is my mom. She is in the hospital. I know I know my pessimism is rearing its ugly head, but right now I think its called for with the current events.

I cant even concentrate on IS. All I do all day (while Bri is a work) is sit in this tea cafe and stare at a blank screen. Its white with a small vertical line in the upper left hand corner flashing on and off. Thats all. Nothing more. Every day.

She is my best friend in the entire world. What will I do when she dies? Who will love me no matter what? Who will listen to my constant bullshit and complaining everyday and still love me? Who will look at me after I've eaten a billion christmas cookies and tell me its ok to have more? Who will think Im beautiful after a night of serious drinking (when I havent even taken off my dramatic eye makeup from the night before?) No one, b/c my mother is the only person that can. She just keeps getting sicker and sicker.

What am I going to do?

current mood - IS? whats that?


Blogger Justine said...

i love you, crystal.

11:02 PM  

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